Monday, October 07, 2002


Well, I am faced with a situation I could not be more torn over. My husband has mentioned in his blog that he has the itch to just roam free for awhile. Not to do anything more than to have some time to himself, maybe go on a mini-road trip with a friend of his overnight, something of the like. I can undertstand that feeling; sometimes I miss the days I was in High School, when my friends and I went and did whatever we wanted and hung out all the time. It's nice to not have cares, no bills hanging over your head, no responsibility.

But at the same time, those days are unfortunately gone. I like to think that I've grown up, and have realized that it's time to be more responsible and such. Granted, he is taking on a lot of the financial responsibility, but I do manage the home, and care for the pets, cook and clean, pay all the bills, tend to the horses, look for the house, try to find a job, etc. So I can understand his want for adventure, to be totally free again, even if it's only for a short time.

I have two sides arguing with me about this. My trusting, cool-chick side is telling me to relax, everyone feels this way, and it wouldn't kill me to let him go and play with his friends Kyle and Steve for a day or two. But my insecure, jealous side worries that having a taste of that freedom will fuel the fire, and before I know it, he's decided being married isn't any fun, and seeya later (thank you Mr Jackass ex for giving me an insecure, jealous side, btw).

So I really don't know what compromise to give. Whether I should say, yeah, sure go play, or if I should tell him I want to go too, or just not say anything at all. I hope he's not thinking his wife's a boring ball and chain, I don't think he does, but hell, sometimes I worry. And having an anxiety disorder doesn't exactly help the situation.

Friday, September 13, 2002

Doctors can be such liars!!!!

I went in yesterday to get Mirena, an IUD (inter-uterine-device, a contraceptive that has low doses of estrogen delivered directly to the uterus to prevent pregnancy). I have discussed this particular IUD with two doctors in three different consultations. Both told me that an IUD would be fine for me, I would have a very very tiny risk of having scar tissue build up in the fallopian tubes, which could prevent pregnancy. But the risk was nearly non-existant. After weighing positives, negatives, and medical history, I decided Mirena would be the right thing to do for me. My doctor set up my appointment for insertion for, of all days, September 11th.

They gave me very little idea about what to prepare for. So, I figured (after talking with some friends) to eat a light meal before I went in. When I got to the doctor, it turned out that I should have eaten a fairly large meal about 2 hours prior to the appointment due to the fact I could have some blood loss. But we went ahead with the insertion anyway. She warned me I could have some cramping.

It was the most painful experience I have ever had. I lost about 1 cup of blood, and nearly fainted afterwards (the nurse said that my skin looked grey, and my lips were very faint). My doctor then informed me that I did very well, and that most women find getting an IUD more painful than childbirth! I could barely leave the doctor's office when they finally let me go, my legs were so shakey.

As a consillation prize though, I got percacets. 30 of them. My hubby is ecstatic :)

Saturday, August 24, 2002

So maybe husbands aren't as great as I originally gave them credit for.

The scenario is this: My husband has a very good friend who I like, he's pretty nice even though he's a bit bitter toward women. He treats me fairly kindly, and we even banter back and forth in a friendly manner. My husband and he are woirking on some wireless internet access point thing, which they are very excited about collaborating on.

Last night, my husband informed me that he, his friend, and a few other guys were going out to passively scan access points (which is perfectly legal). they left around 9pm, got back a little after midnight. Then a few of the guys stuck around 'til about 2 or 3am. We finally got to bed, and I asked my husband to spend the following evening (tonight) with me. I hadn't spent a lot of time with him during the week, as family was visiting from out of state, and I was feeling a little detatched from him (my anxiety was not helping the matter). He agreed and assured me I would have him for the evening.

We woke today (I got up later than he, I have a hard time falling asleep, so I tend to sleep longer). We got out the door around 2pm to go take some photos of my stallion (, and get something to eat. We ate, and got to the barn about 2:30pm or so. After 15 or 20 minutes at the barn, my husband started to get antcy about leaving. He rarely goes to the barn unless I need assistance, and when he does go, he doesn't like to be there long. We were there until 3:15 or 3:30, and ran a few errands on the way home. Along the way, he informed me his friend would probably be stopping by tonight, but it would be late in the evening and probably only for 30 minutes. He was just going to return something computer related. I was a little put off, but I figured it would be a short trip, no biggie, and we'd have plenty of time aside to catch a movie or go do something.

When we arrive home, he quickly takes a shower, while I flip on the tv and watch breaking news about the Ashley Pond/Miranda Gaddis kidnappings (they found a body they believe may belong to one of the girls today). I was shocked and immediately dissolved into tears. The girls were kidnapped about 40 minutes from my house, and the body they discovered tofday was found near where the girls had been taken. I had been following the story fairly closely, nobody ever wanted it to turn out like this.

So needless to say I was a little emotionally wrought. My husband hugged me and comforted me. we were very upset by the whole event. However, he was a bit distracted by a problem (self-inflicted as I understand it) he was having with his computer, and had spent most of the time since arriving home from the barn attempting to fix the problem.

We got dinner around 7pm, and shortly after he tells me his friend will be over soon. I asked him "what about our evening together, you told me we would spend the evening together?". His response? "Well, I saw you all day."

Now, I know *any* woman that is reading this at the moment is thinking "very very BAD move". I held out a little hope that maybe they'd spend the evening at home, and would somehow include me in what they were doing, instead of talking computers and fiddling with electronics, otherwise ignoring me.

Shortly after his friend's arrival at 9pm, I realized I was going to have no such luck. The plan was to go out and do more wireless things. Without me. And that I shouldn't expect them back before midnight. Dumped by my own husband on a Saturday night (when we had plans), after having little to do with him all week. My feelings were crushed. Of course, my husband saw nothing wrong with the plan. Why, he had spent all day with me! What he failed to realize was that he'd actually only spent about 3 hours with me. He'd spent 6 or so with his computer.

So here I sit. None of my friends are available to do anything, they either have to work tomorrow, or they already are off doing something. I have nothing to do other than to watch tv and write in this blog.

Sometimes I think if I disappeared, my husband wouldn't notice until he wanted to get laid. Or be cooked for. I have taken to calling this friend his "boyfriend", because he spends a ton of time with the guy messing around with computer stuff. He's over 4-6 nights a week. And I personally don't have a problem with his friend, I have a problem with how my husband will drop me at a moment's notice to be with that friend, or will totally ignore me when his friend is around.

Before my husband went dashing out the door to go do god knows what with his boyfriend, I expressed my feelings to him. I barely held back tears. He got angry with me, and when he left he stormed out, pretty much pissed. This made me feel even *worse*, like I was in the wrong for bringing up the fact he had made plans with me and my feelings were hurt because he broke them, and that I should feel guilty for interrupting this little project they are working on.

So basically, I feel like shit. I dunno when my husband will be home, or even if I should be sitting here and waiting like some pathetic lap dog when he does. But I have nowhere to go, so I suppose I will just sit and stay.

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Why is the human body so stupid sometimes?

I am dealing with anxiety. It's one of the worst things I have ever dealt with. I don't understand why I am have it. i've always been pretty good about dealing with things coming my way. I've handled deaths, moving out on my own, school, money problems, and other things with ease before. Granted, I have much more stress in my life than I have had in a very long time. My grandfather is struggling with cancer (all of my grandparents are still living), my husband and I are attempting to buy a house, I am trying to keep my mare pregnant, looking for employment, trying to make a little money selling things on ebay, etc.

Also, I am going in for a major physical change in my body in a month (off the hormone-raging pill and onto mirena). I am a little worried about getting Mirena, it's an IUD and can give you uterine infections and/or scarring that can prevent you from bearing children. My husband and I want two children, and even though there is a risk (albiet small) that I could lose the ability to have kids, I cannot stay on the pill much longer. I firmly believe that it has attributed to my anxiety, and I know it is the culprit for my weight gain over the past several years. The benefits of an IUD outweigh the relatively small amount of risk.

My husband also has been very busy lately. He is attempting to start a business, which was a little my doing but mostly his, and he is trying to make headway with Alpine. Not only that, but he also works a full 40 hours a week (occassionally more than 40). I fully support him in all his endeavors, and I know he what he does he does for the benefit of us both, and I love him dearly for that. He is the best man I have ever known (next to my dad, maybe), he is generous with his affection and his ambition, and I am very lucky that he loves me.

And here it comes...BUT...I would like to spend a little more time together with him. When we first got married, we made an agreement that every-other weekend, we would go out and do something. Hike, see the Gorge or the mountain, go to the beach, rent horses and go trail ride, go to Bend, something. It would be the chance for us to have fun doing something together, and get a break from the everyday stresses we have in our lives. So far this summer, we've been to Las Vegas and to visit his family in South carolina...but that's pretty much it for the every-other-weekend agreement. I am not being ungrateful to him for all that he does for us. I am not even saying this is his fault; the fault lies with the both of us. Maybe I'll mention it to him when he comes home.

At any rate, he really is a wonderful man, and I am very lucky to have him!

And, if anyone would like to make a contribution to my house-down-payment, feel free to contact me *anytime*!!